Every day this week I’ve had to hose my car down, because fucking birds keep shitting on my car.  I don’t know wtf they’re eating, but some of it makes me gag.  The parking spot is right in front of my house, which is the primo street parking spot, but I gotta say it’s not so primo!

It’s right next to a street light, so where do birds go?  They sit their shitty asses on the light and then proceed to drop a load onto my roof or my window.  And I gotta say, my water hose SUCKS!  It’s one of those spiral hoses I used to see on TV, and my mom is a big sucker for products on TV.  The woman has no self control.  Apparently she saw it, too, and thought it was a great idea to replace the old broken hose with this new one.  It’s thin, and the spirals keep getting tangled.  Remember those Slinkees back in the 80’s?  Remember how those fuckers used to get twisted and tangled, so you spent more time untangling it than playing with it?  That’s the hose.  Every goddamn day I have to untangle the thin hot mess that is the hose just to hose down the shit on my car.

To top it off, they NEVER shut the fuck up!  Crows, pigeons, seagulls, they all flap around, land on the street light, and never shut up.  Even now, I can hear a damn bird from my yard, and it’s not stopping.  They never shut up.  They just keep going as bad as my kid.  Peace and quiet are near impossible because of those rats with wings chirping or squawking before they drop a giant crap on my car parked below them.  Do they know what bird crap does to a car?  It fucks up the paint, and my car is barely 2 years old!  But they don’t care.  They shit where they wanna shit, and if they’re sitting on the pole, why not take a giant dump?!  Why the fuck should they care what’s under it?!

I’m sick of this shit.  I fucking hate birds so damn much.  By the time I’m outside, ready to kick the pole to get them the fuck away, they’re already gone.  It’s as if they knew or could sense I was coming, so they hightailed it out of there before they could deal with my wrath.  One day, I’m gonna be outside while they’re on the pole, and I’m gonna take the hose to THEM!  Hose those fuckers down before they can drop their loads!  Maybe then those fucking winged rats will know how I feel every goddamn day, when I have to hose my car down AGAIN!  And while they’re at it, they can SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!